Throughout my journey, I’ve heard people tell me that they’re sorry for everything that I’ve been through, that my life ‘actually sucks’, that I’ve ‘missed out’ on what it’s like to have a parent. Though to me, none of these are true.
Growing up, my mother chose her addiction over me. Every night, that bottle went to her mouth, drink after drink. My once sweet, loving, caring mom would turn into a monster at night. During the day she was one person, at night another. I tried to help the monster at night remember the mother during the day. I spent countless hours crying to this monster that took control over my mother, begging to leave my sweet, innocent mom alone. By day break each day the monster would have left my mom alone and the loving mother I knew would return. Somehow, every night I would fall for the same tricks. Day in and day out this monster would take over my mother but would be gone by day break.
At first this monster just controlled my mom’s mouth. It controlled everything that she would say, and it was never nice. I was able to brush the comments off my shoulder at first, thinking that this monster wasn’t my mother. Though, as the days got longer, and the words kept coming, it became harder and harder to deal with. I started to see that this new monster was my mother.
When I first realized my once mother-like mother was not coming back, I broke down. I stopped eating, I spent time alone in my room, I shut off my friends and slimmed my ‘social group’ to two. I started to change who I was. Friends would try to help me, but couldn’t because they couldn’t understand that I wasn’t the problem. It took about a year or two before I realized it. This monster that I had hated so much, and talked so badly of, was affecting who I was becoming. I wanted to be nothing like the monster, yet I was letting it portray me, in different ways. I was letting a new monster take over me.
And that’s when I realized it. I was thankful for my mother’s addiction. I would have never been able to see my own monster, if I had never been able to see how my mother couldn’t overcome hers. So I can sit back proudly and say that I’m glad I didn’t have that mother-like mother figure growing up. Because honestly, that monster is who shaped me into the person I’m proud to be.