Drowning

“You do not drown by falling in the water, you drown by staying in there.”

Sometimes in life, we struggle with making decisions. Decisions that determine the rest of our lives. Why is it so hard for us to just do what is going to make us happy? It’s simple. It’s the influence that others have on us. We spend so much time and effort making sure the person beside us would do the same thing or make the same decision. I get it, life is important and we only have one so it’s gotta be right! But that’s the thing, no matter which way you chose to go in life, you’re living your ONLY life that you’re so worried to screw up. Make decision based off of what will make you happy, in the long run and not temporarily. So go out and make that difficult decision and make sure you learn a few lessons about life along the way.

Seek for yourself, you’re the only one who will understand what you find.

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Thank You For Choosing Addiction

Throughout my journey, I’ve heard people tell me that they’re sorry for everything that I’ve been through, that my life ‘actually sucks’, that I’ve ‘missed out’ on what it’s like to have a parent. Though to me, none of these are true.

Growing up, my mother chose her addiction over me. Every night, that bottle went to her mouth, drink after drink. My once sweet, loving, caring mom would turn into a monster at night. During the day she was one person, at night another. I tried to help the monster at night remember the mother during the day. I spent countless hours crying to this monster that took control over my mother, begging to leave my sweet, innocent mom alone. By day break each day the monster would have left my mom alone and the loving mother I knew would return. Somehow, every night I would fall for the same tricks. Day in and day out this monster would take over my mother but would be gone by day break.

At first this monster just controlled my mom’s mouth. It controlled everything that she would say, and it was never nice. I was able to brush the comments off my shoulder at first, thinking that this monster wasn’t my mother. Though, as the days got longer, and the words kept coming, it became harder and harder to deal with. I started to see that this new monster was my mother.

When I first realized my once mother-like mother was not coming back, I broke down. I stopped eating, I spent time alone in my room, I shut off my friends and slimmed my ‘social group’ to two. I started to change who I was. Friends would try to help me, but couldn’t because they couldn’t understand that I wasn’t the problem. It took about a year or two before I realized it. This monster that I had hated so much, and talked so badly of, was affecting who I was becoming. I wanted to be nothing like the monster, yet I was letting it portray me, in different ways. I was letting a new monster take over me.

And that’s when I realized it. I was thankful for my mother’s addiction. I would have never been able to see my own monster, if I had never been able to see how my mother couldn’t overcome hers. So I can sit back proudly and say that I’m glad I didn’t have that mother-like mother figure growing up. Because honestly, that monster is who shaped me into the person I’m proud to be.

 

 

When you’re not enough

There’s a time in life, if not many, where we feel as though we are not enough. We feel this way because other’s make us feel this way. The thoughts that others conceive of us begin to sway our own thinking. We could be so proud of how hard we have worked or how far we have come for someone new to come in and change that. Why is that? It’s simple. WE are not showing them why we are good enough. The feeling of not being good enough essentially comes from our own decisions, that got swayed by the other person. The saying that ‘you have to love yourself before you can love anyone else’ is true and it goes the same way with liking yourself. If you don’t have enough care and respect for yourself why should or would the person beside you? Is this starting to make sense now?

So what do we do when we feel as though we are not enough? Well, we evaluate. We figure out what about us is “not good enough”. I can almost guarantee if you are taking strides to be better and make a difference YOU think that you are good enough. So STOP FEELING THAT WAY. I know that other’s opinions are important in a sense but not if they’re not accurate. Start showing these people what you are made of and how you are good enough. Keep yourself in the right, and you’ll never be in the wrong. You’re the only approval that you need. The rest will fall into place, or fall off. So go show them.